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Bullet Paced and Teary Faced

11 Dec

There she sits

in an empty lounge

of the dark ward

thick tears

hitting the ground

bullet paced

 

muffled sniffles

she keeps her hope hidden

buried

so that sanity

appears to be in tact

 

oh serenity

where have you been

she questions fate

it’s been a while

 

calamity has been her only peer

illness was her weakness

she could never let go

from those thoughts of desire

 

and so she whispers

in her broken french

je t’aime mon amant presque

all is quiet

but nothing forgotten

Image

 
16 Comments

Posted by on December 11, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: ,

16 responses to “Bullet Paced and Teary Faced

  1. brian miller

    December 11, 2012 at 10:42 pm

    nice…you really put us in her skin and feel the moment with her…and great closing lines as well from the french and beyond…smiles.

     
    • chanzibrenner

      December 12, 2012 at 2:29 am

      thanx brian

       
  2. Laurie Kolp

    December 11, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    Thinking of Hunger Games… oh, I love the touch of French…

     
    • chanzibrenner

      December 11, 2012 at 11:09 pm

      smiles. thanx!

       
  3. Mary

    December 11, 2012 at 11:31 pm

    I feel the sadness in this poem!

     
    • chanzibrenner

      December 12, 2012 at 2:30 am

      thanx mary, yes it is tragic indeed. thanx so much for telling me about the spam folder! appreciate your comments all the time

       
  4. laura hegfield

    December 12, 2012 at 1:06 am

    “thick tears

    hitting the ground

    bullet paced” a powerful image Chani.

     
    • chanzibrenner

      December 12, 2012 at 2:30 am

      thank you laura!

       
  5. kelly

    December 12, 2012 at 1:14 am

    Nothing is ever forgotten…. Excellent write!

     
    • chanzibrenner

      December 12, 2012 at 2:30 am

      wow, thank you!

       
  6. darkangelwrites

    December 12, 2012 at 4:21 am

    “thick tears

    hitting the ground

    bullet paced” my favorite lines!

     
    • chanzibrenner

      December 12, 2012 at 4:35 am

      thanks darkangel!

       
  7. claudia

    December 12, 2012 at 6:14 am

    all is quiet
    but nothing forgotten… i feel like i’m sitting right next to her…sensitively captured

     
    • chanzibrenner

      December 12, 2012 at 6:49 am

      thank you so much claudia..and thanx for your email

       
  8. Gay Reiser Cannon

    December 12, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    “presque” – fine poem, cuts to the heart with its poignancy.

     
  9. acohen315

    February 21, 2014 at 10:12 am

    (As promised, only positive feedback) Very well done. Nicely written. You have a great gift to place the reader in the subject’s shoes. I’m not sure, but I think that the use of lowercase and lack of grammatical structure is part of your style and I sort of like it. Keep writing! You can only get better! And don’t be afraid to rewrite and rerewrite and edit and revise and erase and revise some more. It only helps you grow in your writing.
    One thing I want to point out is that lack of grammatical structure can lead to a reader getting confused in certain places. Sometimes a comma or a period every now and again helps the poem, or story, or writing to ebb and flow better. Try it! You’ll see what I mean.

     

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